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Well, it's that time again. I figured I would do a new column early this week considering how long I've been out of it. You guys missed me, didn't you? (/me grins as if he has no choice)

Anyway, like Weasel said, it was a near-fatal whack to the head that put me out of it for so long, but he didn't describe nearly as dramatical as I would have. You see, what caused it was an e-mail that I received not too long ago.

I was looking at my message boards (y'know, bang Depot, DigitalMZX, Z2, and ZeuxWorld), and I got an e-mail from somebody. Spontaneous, just like *that*. I went to go check it, and this is what I got.

From: Phil McKeevers <e-mail unprinted>

To: Kroz ASCII <kroz@digitalmzx.net>

Subject: L337 4-3V4R!

j00 4R3 A |=U3L15|-| |\/|()RT/-\L! j00 T|-|I|\|K j00 [A|\| |)E|=3/-\T U5? j00 G0T 4|\|()T|-|3R T|-|1|/| (0|\/|1|\|G, BU5T3R!

(Translation: "You are a foolish mortal! You think you can defeat us? You got another thing coming, buster!" -WW)

After reading that, I laughed and decided that a responding e-mail was in order. Essentially, I told him "BITE ME!", though I doubt if he understood me since I didn't do it in L33t-sp33k. What came next is what caused me to be gone for so long. As soon as the e-mail was away, a sniper across the street from me shot one of the bricks that had been made loose from when my PC exploded. The brick flew out of the wall (again) and whacked me a good one to the head. I never saw it coming.

I spent the next couple of weeks in a hospital bed, or so I thought. Weasel told me I spent the better half of the month being bludgeoned by aliens (marshuns?), ranting, raving, foaming at the mouth (fun stuff if you can fake it)... it was one da-a-a-amn crazy month. Now that it's overwith, let's get on to the e-mails! Whee-hee!!

From: "Jeremy Kuehnau" <e-mail unprinted>

To: Kroz ASCII <kroz@digitalmzx.net>

Dear Mr. AssSki

How does one make love to a banana?

-Shades

Um... tact would be nice? Well, first you take it out on a few dates, y'know, show it that you're interested, then after a few months of that, you buy a ring and surprise the banana with it. That's when you pop the question. More than likely, the banana will be rendered (sic) speechless. If you want help discussing the wedding night *grin*, contact Weasel at wildweasel_lemon@hotmail.com. Neeeext!

From: <e-mail unprinted>

To: Kroz ASCII <kroz@digitalmzx.net>

HELLO MY NAME IS OSCAR L. TOTOAL. I MOVED TO THE U.S. BECAUSE MY HOME COUNTREE OF SNAGARDRAUF IS BEING ATTACKED BY VAMPIRE COWS! HOW CAN I STOP THEM AND BECOME A HERO? PLEASE HELP MEE.

WITH SOFADA RESPECT,

OSCAR L. TOTOAL

Dear God! They got Snagardrauf too!? I'll tell you what I told all the other heroes from all the other countries out there. First, build a huge meat grinder. Then, trick all the vampire cows into the meat grinder somehow. The last step of the operation involves celebrating with a huge vampire steak barbecue. That's the hard part, of course, because everyone's afraid the steaks will still be vampire and they'll suck your blood out through your stomach and, just... yech. Next!

From: "God of Stupidity" <e-mail unprinted>

To: Kroz ASCII <kroz@digitalmzx.net>

Subject: HLELO!

AS YOU MAY KNOW MY NAME IS GOD OF STUPIDITY, AND I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS I WOULD LIKE YOU TO ANSWER! PREPARE TO RECEIVE QUESTIONS!

NUMBAR ONE! CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME PICK UP THIS BOOKSHELF THAT HAS BEEN BLOCKING MY HALLWAY

NUMBAR TWO! HOW DO YOU FIND TEH MYSTIKAL KEY TO GET INTO TEH DUNGEON OF TEH BLACK DEATH

NUMBAR THREE! I HAVE HEARD THAT YOU ARE A SMILEY IS THIS TRUE

NUMBAR FOUR! WTF THERE IS NO NUMBAR FOUR

NUMBAR FIVE! DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE QUESTIONS YOU WOULD LIKE TO ASK

AND THOSE ARE MY QUESTIONS! UNFORTUNATELY THAT IS ALL THE TIME I HAVE TODAY :(((

CONSUME THEM NOW FOR MASSIVE INTERNAL INJURY!

Ha. Um... hi God. OK, I think I'll answer these questions in the only way I know how. By making fun of them! NUMBAR ONE: HALLWAY UNBLOKCIGN IS NOT SOMETHING I AM TEH SKILLD AT! NUMBAR TWO: MY GRNDAPA HAS TEH MYSTIKAL KEY FOR TEH DUNGEON OF TEH BLACK DEATH, ASK HIM! NUMBAR THREE: IT IS TEH TRUE, IA M A SMIILYE! NUMBAR FOUR: LOLOLOLOLZZZZZ!!!11 NUMBAR FIVE: I HAVE NO MORE QUESTIONS, I AM NOT TEH SKILLD! And there you have it, my friend. I hope that answers your questions. Next!!

From: <e-mail unprinted>

To: Kroz ASCII <kroz@digitalmzx.net>

Subject: Solve an argument, please.

I'm hoping you could settle an argument I'm having with some of my friends.

Joel says that time travel is possible. His method that he explained to is is following:

First, you would need a stable worm hole. In order to get one, a worm hole would have to be captured from the quantum foam, enlarged and stabilized using an amount of exotic matter. According to calculations, amount needed would be roughly the mass of jupiter. Once it is stabilized, one end of the worm hole would be put on a vehicle capable of going faster than the speed of light. According to the Therory of Relativity, vehicle would begin to travel backwards in time. As soon as the worm hole was in the right time, the vehicle would stop, and people would be able travel backwards in time.

Alan says that this would not work because, according to the Therory of Relativity, no matter can travel the speed of light. It would need infenent power of zero mass to work.

Scott says that it would not work because it would be impossible to put the amount of exotic matter into the worm hole before it breaks down.

I say that it would not work because as soon as the second worm hole slowed down enough to allow travel, both ends would explode as dictated in Quantum Mechanics.

Could you please tell us who you fell is right?

OK, Joel's theory does have some valid points to it, but unfortunately it wouldn't only require the size of Jupiter. Much more than that, I'm afraid. More like the entire solar system mashed into one giant pulpy goo-ball. Alan is also right, because the infenent power of zero is equal to pi, which is exactly three. Scott, however, is also right because the required amount of exotic matter would cost quadrillions of dollars, and I don't think there even exists that much. But, to make matters even more complicated, you're right too. Quantum Mechanics fixes everything, my friend. You're all right until somebody actually tries to do it. Cop-out answer, I know, but my bandages need changing pretty soon. Last one for the week!!

From: "Fungahhh ." <e-mail unprinted>

To: Kroz ASCII <kroz@digitalmzx.net>

Is eating a raw flamingo as bad as it sounds?

Actually... yes. The benefits outweigh the risks, but sadly the risks include blindness, hearing loss, loss of feeling in your right leg, loss of feeling in your left leg, loss of feeling in both legs, inability to spell, hot flashes, cold flashes, flashes in the middle of Central Park, wormholes, snake holes, gopher holes, gnome holes, and, yes, even death. Oh, and on that note, did you know that black paint is an excellent stain remover?

Well, I've fulfilled my quota for the day, and I'm tired. And my head's bleeding. Yargh... Well, that's it for this week. Toodles!! (/me runs off to fight marshuns again)