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It's been over 3 weeks and you people are probably wondering what the HECK happened to Kroz. Well, as I (WildWeasel) write this, Kroz has been hit on the head very, very hard by a random falling MZX built-in. (And ZergMind wonders why he hates MZX so much.) He has sustained a concussion, and has lost most of his memory. So when he comes back, you might notice a somewhat different tone to his messages. But anyhow, I need to answer his email while he recovers so that his service doesn't cancel him for overloading his inbox. First message!

From: "Dan L" <email unprinted>


Dear Mr. ASCII

What is the diameter of the sun divided by the square root of the side of an Isosilies triangle minus the time it takes to walk 5 miles multiplied by the deriviative of the integrual of the function x - 1 pi squared inches cubed plus 2.

Hey, whoa, WHOA! What am I, your personal math tutor? Well, given all the information I have here, I'll try and figure this out...

DS / sqrt IT - TW * Dix - 1 (pi^2) in.^3 + 2

An awful lot of unknown information here. If you want an answer, you're going to have to be a little more in, WHICH Isosoles triangle are you talking about? And how fast are you walking those 5 miles? That variable could be just about anything, man.

From: Malcolm Murchinson


Subject: <none>

Is this just a rash, or is it something Serious?

To be able to determine that, I'm going to need you to drop your trousers, turn around 720 degrees to the right, and cough the alphabet. Before you leave, take this unnessecarily large jar of pain-killers, take 2 every hour and call me next millenium. NEXT!

From: Matt Lamers


Subject: Zum Qwestionz

1: Is it a good thing to be a frequent flyer on your colums?

2: I'm a californian, and my "new yorker" magazine slapped me. Is it ethical to shred it?

3: Is the overhead compartment a good place to store a stupid annoying sibling?


[Crazy Driver]

1: I wouldn't know, seeing as how I'm not Kroz, and I'm not a frequent flyer either. But I'm writing a column. The way I see it, if you have access to your email and your webspace, and something to compose the column in (Word 97 seems to work okay as I've noticed), being a frequent flyer wouldn't be that much of a problem. The only thing wrong with it is the 15-minute periods before and after take-off that you need to have your laptop computer shut down, but that's not too bad, is it?

2: Unless you have somebody visiting from New York, know somebody who loves or has lived in New York, or is wearing an "I <3 N Y" T-shirt, then it's okay for you to shred the magazine. However, make sure you rip the magazine in half by its spine, and remove the staples and put them in somebody's dinner dish or something. (NOTE: I cannot be held responsible if you mistakenly put the staples in your own dish.)

3: So long as nobody's watching. The flight attendants can be a bit of a problem, but if you can distract them somehow, you can put the annoying sibling in the compartment and lock them in without problems.

From: Sara Pike


Subject: I'm asking Mr. ASCII! YAY!

Dear Kroz!

Why is cheese so goddamn CHEESY?

Cheese found it origin in ancient Greece, around 750 BC. Dairy farmers in both Athens and Sparta were noticing drastic drops in the popularity of their milk products, in addition to the beef that they produced year-round. They all prayed to Zeus, the king of the gods, for help. He couldn't do anything by himself, so he created another god to help him: Mozzerelus, the Greek god of Cheese. Mozzerelus helped the farmers to find new ways to use their milk, as well as adding a nice leverl of cheeziness. He still exists nowadays, and he's been kinda bored, so you can notice that cheese is a lot more cheesy than even a low-budget sci-fi movie.

From: Austin Scott



Kroz, I seriously need some emotional help. I keep getting these is sort of embarrassing...I keep getting pimples ON MY TOENAIL! This usually happaens when I meet a hot other toenail lady and she wants me to come to dinner. Is there a lotion I can put on it?

I also have another question. Who was the plastic surgeon who gave you that permanent grin? I could use one. Especially when my relatives come over for Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I might be the wrong person to be responding this, but I just had to take one of the "fun" emails while Kroz is out of commission.

I'm not exactly an expert on pimples, but I know that it's hardly possible to grow them on a toenail. Did you happen to be cursed by an evil witch/wizard/sorcer(or/ess)/mad dragon/undersea warlord/Harry Potter? Or, did you accidentally spill pimple powder on your toes or something like that?

I happen to know who gave Kroz his permanent grin. He was a man by the name of Steve, and he used to work for IBM back in the day (read: before I was born). He also performed experiments in cloning, but the first test was a bit of a failure: the clone was slightly inverted. He got skeletonized by a bunch of piranhas, and he now resides in the ASCII char set as char #001. He has also served as a prop in such epic films as "Lebensraum", "Castle of Zeux", and "Code Red".

Well, I'm very tired, and the computer is getting a bit warm (freakin' iMac's...), so that concludes today's article!

Forever unnoticed,