Hey, all you crazy... um... webbies? I don't know lingo. Anyway, I'm feeling much better after last week's ordeal. Throttling Weasel really helped. Oh, don't worry about him too much. I couldn't actually throttle him, I just wrote a ZZT game that let me get him. It was great fun. Now, after that awkward moment, let's proceed to the first e-mail this week. This one comes all the way from the DigiBoards at DigitalMZX.net. Let's take a look...
Hey Kroz. Since you were the star of an old videogame, do you ever get into fights with ninjas and pirates? You know, since your so badass and stuff.
Right. Um... actually, I fought Nazis once, if that counts. I might've fought ninjas, maybe some pirates... um... but they, uh... bashed me on the head and I forgot about everything and... yeah. But, hey, thanks. Heh... badass... me? That's pretty crazy, man. And as for that signature, where is this AL place people keep telling me about? Al who? Boy, I must be feeling really awkward today. Let's go on to the next e-mail. (Yes, I got more than one this week.)
From: "Matt Iforgotmylastname"
Subject: Ask Mr. ASCII
Dear Mr. ASCII,
I have 2 questions. The first one is: What kind of questions are supposed to be asked?
The second: If a train leaves Harrisburg at 3:15.00001 am, going due west, and a airplane leaves Denver at 3:15.0001 am, going the exact same direction, then how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was a nunchuck chuckin' wood?
Confused? Yes, I am. Dreadfully so. OK, I'm going to take this one in stride, Mr. Iforgotmylastname. Hey, wait a minute... oh, never mind. It's not worth the trouble.
Anyways, that first question. What kind of questions? Well, anything you can possibly think of. I can answer almost anything. Just remember, there are no stupid questions; only stupid people. As for the second question, that's going to take a bit more time to determine.
See, in order to figure that out, you have to find the Y-intercept switch, and put that over the arc cosine of 47 degrees, add to that V over X plus the sum of the square root of the hypotenuse and the Sweater of Apocalypse to the three-fourths power. I would explain exactly how to do that, but I'm afraid it would take me about a year. And another column. Maybe there will be an Ask Dr. ASCII column someday. Heh... methinks not. I hope this has made everything as clear to you as I possibly... um... can.
Now then, where's that next e-mail?
From: "Kyn Underthy" <e-mail unprinted>
Dear Mr Skull-with-blue-tunic,
How should you go about eating purple mushrooms with proper manners while hungry?
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First of all, Kyn, I appreciate the ad. One of the reasons I agreed to do this column is because I got a terrible virus on my computer and I can't get any of my e-mail answered normally because I've always been afraid that I'd send somebody a virus. (Truth be told, I think I just made that up... but why not?)
Anyways, I find this extremely surprising. I have to admit that nobody's ever called me that before... that I remember... now then, about those mushrooms. The thing about purple ones is that they're very tricky. See, they're not just colored purple, they're shaped purple, and as such they must be eaten in a certain way. Being hungry multiplies that difficulty. I suggest wrapping the entire thing in several paper towels, throwing it away, and ordering pizza. If that doesn't work, then I apologize for having misled you. Oh, and when you do order that pizza, give me a ring too. I haven't had pizza in ages...
From: "Dan L" <e-mail unprinted>
Dear Mr. ASCII
Is it ok to throw my computer off of the sears tower when it gives me the blue screen of death?
Hmm... now here's a good philosophical question. Which, of course, warrants another question. Could you haul your computer to the top of the Sears tower to throw it off without getting apprehended by the security guards first? Well, if you were sneaky, I suppose... but I digress.
You see, there's a rule that determines this, and it has to do with what kind of computer you're running. If it's a Mac or any variation thereof, feel free. Toss away, and I'll be right behind you helping to hoist the beast over the edge. Now, if this is a straight DOS-box, then I'm afraid I can't condone that kind of behavior. Though it would be fun to watch a computer plummet from the top of a building and go smashing everywhere... heh, and then it hits this guy's head and he collapses down into the sidewalk like in those cartoons... oh man, that'd be great.
Anyways, I'm gunna have to say no, Dan. All you have to do is install some kind of OS that doesn't have blue screens. Or maybe just change the color of the screen. I'm not sure how you would go about doing that, but I wish you luck. (There's an application at www.toastytech.com that lets you do that...I do not support usage of it, so don't blame me if using the program gives you nothing but blue-screens. -WW)
As for me, I'm going over to the Underthy place and get some of that pizza. I'm starved...
Jinxed for life,