Well, I never thought I'd make it, but here I am. Yes sir, I have my own column in an actual honest-to-goodness magazine! What magazine, you may ask? Heh... well, to be honest, my agent, Weasel, never did tell me where I was going to be published. In fact, last time he even talked to me, he said there were some "negotiation difficulties" in progress and that the magazine deal might not even go through.
Hmm... I'll have to ask Weasel about that. Anyways, this is a write-in column, and I will swear my damnedest (heh... swear... get it?) to answer as many of your e-mails as possible. Anyone who missed the more-than-likely-to-occur TV ads or the huge billboards by the side of the road, my e-mail is firstname.lastname@example.org. Why Weasel resided me here, I'm sure I'll find out eventually. Um... having nothing more soppy to say, I'll go on to the first e-mail, which finds itself coming from somewhere in New Jersey. I think... actually, I don't know. Just print the e-mail. Come on!
From: "Matt Lamers" <e-mail unprinted>
To: "Kroz ASCII" <email@example.com>
Is it ethical in one's middle school to apply hair dye?
[hideously huge logo that can't possibly be printed here, but reads Crazy Driver]
Well, Mr. Lamers—if that is your real name—I'm not sure I can answer that, reason being that I have no hair... but I can certainly try. It depends on where you're planning on applying the hair dye. On your own hair, I can understand certainly, and I would imagine it to be much more than an attention-getter, depending on the color. However, if you plan on applying it in some sort of sneak-attack on someone else in your school, then... well... do I get pictures?
Of course, hair dye can be applied in many more places as well... you can use it to paint on walls; it can be an excellent appetizer if one happens to be hungry enough to eat it; also, it can be very useful as a wall spackle of some kind. Speaking of spackle, my wall is about to crumble in on me. Ever since "Diet ASCII" came out and I lost thousands of dollars in the box office (or maybe it was the PC tower office... ack, lame jokes abound), I've had to live in a run-down little apartment.
And if you have to know how I managed to get a computer, it's an iMac. I found it in a dumpster. So until next column, send me some e-mails. Every e-mail I get means another column for the magaz—what? You didn't get me published in a magazine? I'm on a WHAT!?!? Message board!? Who the hell looks at those!?
Well, I'm depressed now... e-mail me if you want... I guess... maybe it'll cheer me up... or something...
Happy happy, now kill the moose!
Kroz ASCII <firstname.lastname@example.org>